The biggest fear most single men have today is ending up alone. Paradoxically, it can be the fear itself that keeps you from finding a good partner and having a heartfelt relationship. When you live your life in a state of fear, it results in paranoia, anger or anxiety, and giving out a tense and stressful persona.
If you’ve ever anguished over when to make a move, or are never able to push yourself out of the ‘friend zone’, or over think things and come on too strong too early, it’s possible that relationship anxiety is getting in the way of letting things progress naturally.
Let’s start with three ways to deal with these psychological demons, because you will always be distracted by your underlying anxieties unless you can master them.
1. FIGHT FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN WITH PRESENCE
Psychological fear, where there is no real threat or danger, means you’re physically here, but your mind is either in the past or future (imagining what might happen, but what hasn’t). You can always handle the present moment, but you can’t fight a mind-projected future.
Fear of not being able to form a successful relationship can doom new relationships by playing in the back of your mind. Fear makes you imagine all sorts of negative scenarios that haven’t happened yet, but which might influence how you approach your relationship in the present. Instead of enjoying new romance and putting your best self forward, you’re busy worrying about how to save a relationship that hasn’t even gotten off the ground!
This can impact how positive you are towards your new romantic interest. Fear can often be self-fulfilling, causing you to avoid the situation you’re fearful of. You might be aloof, avoid moving forward or deliberately sabotage your relationship because you already imagine it’s going to fail. You can only combat fear by staying present. Worrying about things that haven’t happened only distance you further from what you want. The key is to be extremely conscious of your thought-pattern drifts to the future and snap yourself back into the present. By living in “The Now”, you will see your anxiety subside.
2. FIGHT FEAR WTH LOVE
“The opposite of love is not hate. It’s use.”
– Pope John Paul II
The opposite of loving people is using them. Using a woman to fulfil your life is not loving her. Women can sense your intentions from a mile away. They know precisely when you’re only with them to get something out of them. Maybe you want to be loved (without really loving back)? Maybe you want to boost your self-esteem? Whatever it is, if you use people for something selfish it will hold your chances of a successful relationship back.
On the other hand, love attracts love. The most successful relationships are built on relinquishing your ego and genuinely loving the woman you’re with. If you’re not used to being in a relationship, giving up so much of yourself can be a challenge and feel vulnerable. Men can fear this and so try to maintain a tough exterior.
How do you demonstrate the openness that attracts love and kindness from others? It doesn’t require big gestures. Focus on bringing more daily positivity to other people through simple gestures. A smile, a nice comment or even a hug cost nothing, but pay big rewards. When you give, you feel happier, and other people are more positive towards you, which results in confidence. And women love a man with confidence!
3. FIGHT FEAR WITH GRATITUDE.
It can become easy to dwell on failed relationships and get into a negative cycle of believing that nothing good will ever happen to you.
Once you’re in this state of mind it can influence your behaviour. You act pre-emptively and display classic ‘needy’ behaviour. To avoid behaving like a wounded puppy early in a new relationship, think about all the things you are grateful for in life and make a conscious effort to focus on these things as your natural state of mind. You might find that your longing for a relationship becomes less a focus, you speak and behave more positively, and in turn you demonstrate less needy behaviour.
Spend a few minutes every morning meditating on what you are thankful for; your health, family, friends or even your job. Once gratitude becomes a habit, joy will replace your fear, joy that is infectious to everyone – especially women.
Now that you have replaced your fear with intense presence, love and gratitude, you are ready for the transition to a successful relationship! But how do you find the right partner and cement a relationship?
Here are four steps to do it:
4. MAKE FINDING A RELATIONSHIP A PRIORITY
Successful people do not attribute their success to luck. The same is true with relationships. It’s nice to believe the movies where ‘the one’ just bumps into you in the street someday, but in reality, today’s busy world means making an effort to get yourself into situations where you can meet someone.
What does that mean? Make sure you get into as many situations as possible where you’ll meet potential matches. You’ll be having fun and being social while you do this, which relaxes you and makes life more positive even if you’re not yet with ‘the one’.
Tell everyone you know that you’re ready to meet someone. Your friends, family and even workmates will help to create situations that let you meet people when they know you’re determined. We don’t always like to admit to it, but our best friends are often better judges of who is right for us.
People who are determined also put their best foot forward. Look good, keep fit, put your best smile on in every situation and see the difference it makes to your confidence.
5. TAKE YOUR WALLS DOWN
The first step to form the crust of a relationship is to create an attachment between yourself and other people. Your aptitude to generate this attachment will establish your chances of having a healthy relationship.
Attachment is what makes a woman want to see you again and think of you when you are not around. The reason many single men fail at building attachment is that they are guarded. They allow the fear we discussed above to get in the way and throw up artificial roadblocks to keep love out.
The biggest myth about a proverbial shield of protection is that it will safeguard you from unnecessary hurt. Wrong. It will only keep you at arm’s length from creating intimacy and attachment.
If you expect a healthy relationship, you should be accessible emotionally and physically. This includes tempting physical touch, asking subtle personal questions and being authentic every time.
6. CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT DATING AND SEX
In the early stages of a relationship, sex can be a fraught topic. One of your eventual relationship goals will be to have a loving and physically fulfilling relationship. In the early days however, built up sexual frustration, or anxiety about being intimate if you’re inexperienced, can cause problems. You either come on too strong and try to get physical too early, upsetting t your potential partner, or you’re too anxious to make a move and your new lover doesn’t get the attention she needs to feel desired.
There are a couple of ways to control your urges and build on your prowess and stamina so that you remove some of the anxiety about the bedroom. The most obvious one is to experiment with sex toys that relieve your frustration or help you improve your performance so that you’re ready to impress when you meet the right woman. If this is new to you and you don’t feel comfortable shopping in physical sex stores, you can easily turn to the search engines to find what you’re looking for. For example, these are some of the best sex toys for men which I found. There are so many products that offer a ‘realistic’ experience nowadays, that you can easily prepare yourself for when the time comes.
7. MAKE YOURSELF VISIBLE
Tried all this advice and still not in a relationship? Maybe your problem is visibility. You have to meet new people regularly to search beyond the familiar faces you already know for a new relationship.
Try going to places that compliment your personality. Don’t step out of your comfort zone too much, because the end game is to meet someone who shares your interests and that you can have an affinity with. For example, if you’re an avid reader, try to find a coffee shop with ample books to read whilst you’re there. You’re more likely to attract a woman who shares your passions and you might feel more comfortable talking to them in a familiar environment.
Today, we are blessed with the power of the internet and even if a dating app is not your cup of tea, search for activities or special-interest groups and join them. It is practically proven that when people talk about their passions, they are at their most confident self.
If you want to be in a relationship next year, month or even tomorrow, the tactics discussed above will help you. They take time, patience and practice. If you rely merely on luck, then you might wait a very long time to find the woman that you deserve. Decide in your heart that you want a relationship and form a strategy to get there.